Leading with EQ

 How to Positively Influence Others?

Please pay attention to the subheading of the blog. There are two words that are important – Positively & Influence. Let’s discuss each. Often when we talk about influencing people it can come across as some shady tactic or behaviour for manipulation. However, consider this. You are crossing a bridge and you see someone ready to jump off. You stop your car and approach the person. You start talking to them. You use the power of effective communication and emotional intelligence to influence that person to change their mind. Is this influence bad? No, it is lifesaving and also necessary.

As leaders, we lead people in our teams, families and communities. And sometimes, in order to help them, you must influence them. Another point to note is that we are talking about influence and not control. We can never control someone; we can only influence them by using communication and emotional intelligence. All great leaders had the skill to move people with their words. To achieve and create great things, you would require a team that believes in your vision.  

This is the reason why I have created a 5-step framework for you to follow if you want to influence, help, and serve people in your team, family and community.

STEP 1: Build Rapport -> People forget what you said but remember how you made them feel. So, it’s important that you focus equally, if not more, on building rapport than on communicating what you want. I have studied a lot of books and techniques but have found two to be really effective. But before we begin I want to make it clear that in this chapter, we are talking about influencing people whom we know. The techniques shared can also help you influence people you have never met before but that’s not the focus of this chapter.

• Make more deposits than withdrawals. Stephen covey explains in his bestselling book, the 7 habits of highly effective people, that we all have an Emotional Bank Account. The key is to make more deposits than withdrawals. As a golden rule, you must make at least 3 deposits for every withdrawal. The sequence that I follow is DDWD – Deposit Deposit Withdrawal Deposit. Every time you genuinely praise a person, you are making a deposit in their emotional bank account. And so are building a rapport with their chimp brain. So then, when you make a withdrawal or point out an area for improvement, the chimp will not get defensive as it does not see it as an attack but as genuine feedback.
• Matching & Mirroring. Our brain tends to like people who are like us as it does not see them as threats. We naturally match and mirror each other’s behaviours when we are around our good friends. However, matching and mirroring can also be used as effective tools to build rapport during important conversations and with people who are not our close friends. How it works is that you match and mirror the most oblivious elements of a person’s behaviour during communication, for example, their physiology (physical movements of their body such as posture, crossing legs, or shaking head) and tonality (tone and speed of their voice and choice of words).

STEP 2: Communication -> A good measure of how effective your communication was is not what and how you communicated but what response did you get. If you got the response you intended, then your communication was good. If not, then you still haven’t fully understood the other person’s map of the world. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Have you been in a situation when you have said something to someone many times, and yet they either forget about it or just don’t do it? I know I have been. So, what do we do? We say the same thing again, only with added frustration. Albert Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Why? Because not changing is comfortable, even when it’s ineffective.

Here's what we should do instead, try to understand why that person is not doing what they have agreed to do. And by understanding, I don’t just mean listening to their words, but listening deeply to what’s really causing that. Because sometimes that person themselves doesn’t know why they behave in that way. So helping them and you to understand more about their behaviour should be the starting point of their conversation. And before you start exploring, ensure their defence system is not active by following the rapport-building techniques discussed earlier in this chapter.

Here are the three most powerful yet underused communication tools:

• Silence. “The quieter you become, the more you hear” – Rumi. In any meaningful communication, silence, when used in the right places, can be way more powerful than any words. Silence helps the person to digest what you have said. Silence also allows them to share more, which in turn, helps you to understand more. Silence can also help you to choose your words before you speak. Get comfortable with silence and use it more in communication. Your communication will become exponentially powerful.
• Empathy. Empathy is understanding and respecting, not necessarily agreeing with, the other person’s view of the world. It’s about seeing their problems through their map to understand their challenges and pain. And most importantly, it’s also about telling them that you understand their situation. Because what you know but don’t say, they don’t know. So, use sentences like, I understand how you feel, I can see how difficult it is, I agree that it’s challenging, or I feel your pain. Every time you disagree with something, start with a statement of agreement. For example, I agree that it’s very difficult, but I also believe that you can do this. Or, I agree that it might be unfair, but is it helpful to continue thinking about it?
• Questions. If you don’t like the answer, change your question. People don’t like to be told what to do. So the goal is to ask the right question that helps them see the solution on their own. Powerful questions not only help you to understand someone but also help them understand themselves at a deeper level. Use questions like - What’s causing that? Not how to solve the problem, but what’s causing the problem? And then what’s causing that, and then what’s causing that? Most people try to solve the symptoms and so they keep coming back. Slow down and ask more questions to dig deeper. Do not tell them what to do. Take them to the solution by guiding them with powerful questions. Aim for insights and not information. Because the latter informs while the prior transforms.

Bonus tips Always use DDWD in your communication. People don’t need judgement, they need encouragement. For example, instead of saying why you didn’t finish your work on deadline, say something like – You are usually excellent at completing things on time. Then what happened? You see, both questions are ultimately asking for the same thing and are arguably the ‘right’ question to ask. However, the first will get you an excuse, and the second will get you a solution. Don’t get hung up on what’s right. Focus more on what’s effective.

Often people respond better to options than instruction, as this sends a signal to the brain that they are choosing and not being told. This technique works great with kids. Instead of saying you need to eat healthily, ask them, “Would you like to eat carrots or broccoli tonight?” Instead of telling your employee they must improve their customer service, ask them, “Would you like to deliver great or excellent customer service?” And then follow up with – “How can you go from where you are to delivering excellent customer service?”

STEP 3: Kill the need -> Detach from the outcome. Kill the need for the person to be influenced or changed. What happens is that if we have this ‘need’ that the person must change, then the person can sense it, and their chimp will be on alert to protect them. It will start acting defensive instead of cooperative. When you kill the need, you also kill your frustration and so are in a better position emotionally to communicate effectively.

STEP 4: Genuinely see the genius in them -> Have you ever noticed that you behave differently in front of different people? At work, with friends etc. If you believe that someone thinks that you are a calm person, you will naturally try not to be angry in front of them. Whereas if someone always tells you that you have a short temper, then no matter how much you try, you will lose your temper in front of them. It’s because our brain loves to meet others’ expectations. Not what they say they expect, but what you believe they think of you and so expect of you.

Similarly, people will always prove your expectation of them right. They do not do what you say to them but what they think you expect of them. This is the primary reason why changing someone is hard. Often what we do is reiterate the evidence to them of why they are a certain way. For example – “You always leave the plates on the table”, or, “Why are you always so irresponsible?”. By doing so we reaffirm the very identity that we want them to change. We know that the easiest way to change is to change our identity. So, if we really want someone to change, then we must help them change their identity in their head. So, regardless of what the evidence suggests, you see them as the person you want them to be and then use every opportunity to remind them of this.

For example, instead of saying you are so irresponsible, try saying, “I am really surprised as you are so responsible. What happened yesterday?” Consciously look for even tiny evidence of responsibility and then remind them that you admire how responsible they are. Quantum Mechanics suggests that the Universe is made up of space consisting of fields of vibration, interlinked, integrated and in continuous communication. In other words, we are all connected at the energy level. So a person can often feel the energy of what you think about them, even when you don’t say it. So don’t just say things, but force yourself to genuinely see the genius in them if you really want them to change their identity and their behaviour.

STEP 5: Be present. Keep a part of your attention within you. This will help you stay emotionally stable in any conversation. It will also help you to listen deeply and powerfully. Listen to understand, not to respond. You are a leader. Lead from presence.